On Adoption, Parenting & Slavery

In speaking with a friend today, I had the epiphany ... the US is a country of orphans, because capitalism thrives off of the "fierce" individuality achieved through after severing of family connections.

There are times, and they are growing more frequent, when I am thankful for being adopted.

Again, I must caution the reader not to infer this as a validation of the process of adoption; just as the woman who bought me might use such words as absolution of their behavior.

Which it is assuredly not.

Because my gratitude is not based in what was done to me, nor what was done for me; but rather is rooted in what I was able to escape by endeavoring the process.

You ask me how I became a madman. It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen,—the seven masks I have fashioned and worn in seven lives,—I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, “Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves.”

Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me.

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, “He is a madman.” I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks.”

Thus I became a madman.

And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.

But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.

~ Khalil Gibran

When looking at who I am, or who I ought be, I am more free than most to decide; as the genetic attachments are strained in both directions.

I did not have a biological model to base anything off of ... while the present behavioral models other-ed me, which compelled a mutual other-ing on my part.

And so process of self-differentiation was unintentionally encouraged.

While the road may have been longer, it was arguably easier in the long run, because I need not look to my past in order to comprehend my future.

Though a cursory comprehension of the past was helpful.

Parenting

The US remains unique in it's division of the home at the age of 18; and arguably, such development patterns are unnatural.

This is made more abnormal by the obsession that takes place before the age of 18; control is somewhere between negligence and absolute, rarely steady on the spectrum either.

And this has caused a rift between the generations ... "Ok, boomer."

Well ... everyone hates Boomers I guess; they will soon be considered a persecuted class, I fear.

How are Millennial parents doing?

It was odd; being kicked out of my child's entire childhood ... and to see certain consequences of that ... not bad consequences, maybe even healthy consequences.

The largest accomplishment though, I suppose, is that I still communicate with my child ... it's not everyday; though I'm allowed to send audacious quantities of messages.

"Sorry", is no longer part of our vocabulary ... they are not required to respond to every message I send, they have their own life ... but I get to remind them how often I think of them ... call it a reserved parental privilege.

Because on the other hand, I refuse to act as though I have a right to my child ...

Oh ... yea ... this was the conversation I was aiming for today ...

On Slavery

There was a genetically Black person who once told me that I can't use the s-word ... slavery.

Presumably because I'm not Black ... while they ... I'm sorry to say, but it is an aspect of the story that merits notation ... I would be darker than them if I sat in a cellar for 6 months while they frolicked in Texas.

And yet, genetically, they do descend from Black people

And this deputizes them to police my words and language when it comes to the s-word.

What the difference between slavery and adoption?

A human being is purchased, and fitted with expectations.

It being the latter phrase that differentiates the two, I suppose.

Is it still adoption if the off-spring of the adoptee is withheld from the adoptee?

Where do we draw these lines in the sand?

I'm not saying I was a slave; I do say I was a pet.

While it is the parallels between and beyond these two words that captivates me; because this is a collective mentality, the experiences did not happen in isolation.

What makes a parent?

Is it the knowledge imparted? The money spent? The time invested?

My child ... I don't expect them to always listen to me ... but when I tell them to listen to something, I want them to trust me enough to listen.

And so the fact that we still communicate ...

The primary job of the parent is to be more comfortable with the unknown than their child; and in this way, model curiosity, strength and humility, for the child to build upon.

That's the conclusion that I've come to ...

What was the effect? What was the intended affect?

Of keeping a parent from their child?

What wasn't the child supposed to see?

What wasn't the child supposed to experience?

What wasn't the parent supposed to see?

What wasn't the parent supposed to experience?

What type of society allows, enables, and/or neglects such behavior?

At this point it does feel like the neglect is criminal; and not because of the immediate harm caused to the primary individuals involved.

It is because this is how society creates its own criminal class.

Someone recently pointed out that a significant number of homeless people are simply those who aged out of the foster-care system.

Are we starting to connect the dots?

I am not homeless, and I survived the aforementioned neglect; that is why I can ask these questions so open-endedly.

Capitalism, the way it is practiced, creates and demands, an underclass to serve the management and ownership class; almost creating a caste system.

Though the countries of the Western Hemisphere were founded upon ideals of autonomy and independence; along the graves of the indigenous inhabitants and African slaves, and Chinese underclass used to build the transcontinental railway ... shout-out to Confucius and Lao Tzu.

Mind you, the reason people from Africa were needed, was because the indigenous we able to elude slavery; not that the colonizers didn't try.

And so we're back to asking ourselves, why this individual felt comfortable, and entitled, to police my use of the world "slave".

And we return to a question of control ...

In Conclusion

I don't care if my kid calls me, "Dad".

I care that they call me.

I was never able to control them, though it was never my desire.

I remember once when they intentionally spilled the cat food all over the floor; as toddlers are apt to do ... so naturally, for this most under-handed, devious and destructive in-fraction I had no choice but to tackle the criminal child in a Super Sayian Polar Bear Hurricane Hug ... with lightening-fast, surgically targeted kung-fu kisses ...

Before saying ... because they did this, now we both have to clean this all up ... and so we made a game out of it ... ... "ooo, get that one there, before it escapes."

And after which we set the food back for the kitty ... before each drawing our knives for the world's most epic tickle-fight that summer afternoon ...

I have that memory ... and we have inside jokes; sayings only we know ...

You can't put a label on that; there's no need to ... it's not something you can talk about, because there's no way to sufficiently explain ... it is ... it's just a feeling you can't escape.

Able to disconnect so easily from all else in my life ... why?

So that I could have the discipline, the courage, the awareness and the need ... to do all that needed be done, to protect the one connection that is most important.

I always wanted to make the world a better place; and sometimes that looks like not passing on trauma to your kids ... and instead ... enjoying life, with them in it ... sharing that joy ... sharing that effort ... so when they meet obstacles, they can remember ... my parents did all of that ... so that I could navigate this ... I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be the best, I just need to be the best me that I can possibly be.

Because if that's how they see themselves, they'll be able to see others with that much more patience and compassion ... and that's maybe one of the most impact-ful ways to make the world a bit better ... not for ourselves, but for the future.

To disconnect, while remaining connected ...

I suppose we should finish up this idea ... the book of St Thomas talks about, when the two become one, etc.

And there is this guy Jacques Lacan, a post-freudian psycho-analyst ... and I know, bunch of academic types are going to skewer me for not knowing something ... but their grumbles aside ... this idea:

While in the womb, a child does not know any difference between themselves, their mother, and the world.

Upon the advent of birth, the memory of the mother remains strong, while the world is set in-between the child and the mother ... an eternal obstacle to re-connection.

And so these themes of unity affect us all, not only adoptees; though as adoptees are are pre-initiated into the ceremony of rebirth, to a degree ... our fog is more dense, and so more readily apparent as a path we must travel.

Connection is the human default, for adoptees the disconnection is often abrupt and apparent; it is an often obvious fact of life. And this forced hand, if we are able to learn the lessons, enables us greater freedom, in life overall.

The US is creating a country of orphans ... perhaps so that they can learn the value of connection, and the importance of the bonds we share, as human beings.