Wish it wasn't so ... but

Taking you from me, and me from you ... that was a torture they were allowed/enabled to commit under white supremacy, and a mechanism to control me, period.

Rachel was raised by equally unhealthy and vain people; but that's her story, this is mine.

Joan is a demon; she has spent her entire life lying to herself and everyone around her.

She was NEVER my mother ... and never will be my mother, she doesn't have the capacity, or desire to even see me as a human being.

And that is her entire act ... and Rachel's too ... treat me like crap, then use you to defend themselves – that was/is the entire point/objective of their behavior.

The term is being a token ... "We're not racist, we have non-white friends."

That's the whole shtick – I've watched Joan lie over the course of a single conversation, I caught her and watched her fight to deny any accountability ... intentionally to my detriment.

That's why she refused to work with a therapist who wasn't a Christian ... so she found a brown Christian therapist to support their narrative and to tell me that I was "mad at my birth mother for giving me up, and I was redirecting the anger toward's Joan."

Then the therapist kicked me out of the room, and talked to Joan and James about their sex-life ... because Jesus, etc.

To a LARGE degree my dear ... I wasn't suppose to live this long ... they didn't want us to connect ... if they did, it would have happened YEARS ago ... but they didn't want it; and whatever they said to you were carefully worded lies; because ... to a degree, they've had to fully commit to their lies.

They signed legal agreements promising not to tell me anything about you, nor tell you anything about me ... entirely based off the premise that I was dangerous/crazy ... racism, pure, plain and simple ... white supremacy is the tool, genocide is the objective.

The level of psychological/emotional/spiritual abuse in that act alone ... And this was after being put through the humiliation ritual by "Dr." Shea and the family court referee that summer ... someone else made an entire website about this family-court referee hating fathers, because that's how family court operates.

And this was because they wanted/needed me to go/be crazy in order to justify their behavior; and neither Rachel, nor Joan, will every acknowledge it ... they can't because then they'd have to face themselves, their own insecurities, and that their version of love revolves around control ... it's not actually love at all.

(I remember when Rachel needed me to claim that the weed-vaporizer Barb found in her apartment was mine ... so that Barb would return it to me ... it was her brother Andy's, but they needed a brown person to take the heat ... I refused.)

Pure evil ... I wish it was different ... but again ... that's why I learned to apologize, sincerely, through a framework of restorative justice, to acknowledge my mistakes and find real/productive ways to make amends ... this is something Joan/Rachel are completely incapable of ... and refuse to do.

They collaborated to steal you from me ... Joan stole my childhood, and your childhood, from me; all so that she could feel like she was a grand/mother.

That is why I say that Joan is the evolution of the slave owner .. she believes that it is her right to treat me like an animal, like livestock, a breeding stud, and to treat you like a "human being" ... and that this behavior makes her a good person, and that she can hide behind you.

She uses you to justify her behavior, her words "I'm on Cressa's side."

She used you to deny me my humanity ... "If you really love your child, you'll figure it out."

That was the game.

And your success is justification for her behavior – "if we didn't keep you from your child, she wouldn't been this successful - we did a good thing by torturing you "... just like me getting that UofM job was justification of her treatment of me ... "He was defective, he's better now ... we always believed he could do it." Pure evil.

Once she had access to you, she had no purpose for me ... her entire life is built around these false images and lies ... Just like white people try to pretend that the US isn't built on the genocide and slavery.

Joan uses you to anchor her belief in her white-savior mentality; just like she used me to pretend that she was a mother ... but my entire life was in service of her ego, NOTHING MORE - that's why they were able to justify keeping us apart.

I've got stories, seemingly innocuous, but once you scratch the surface, it's all white supremacy.

It's not a fun lesson to learn perhaps, but ... to me, she is the face of pure, heartless, mindless evil.

These aren't my feelings ... she voted for Trump, still defends her vote ... and she has been a horrible person ever since I can remember ... I have a few memories from when I was a small small child ... they are not good memories my dear ... she is truly an evil person, she is the face of evil. I don't use that word lightly at all.

Crazy to think about, but also ... true. I'm sorry, I spent ten+ years trying to get this woman to see me as a human being, she completely refuses to do so, and she is convinced that "she loves me" ... it is offensive, insulting, and absolutely infuriating that she got you to buy into the lie that she is a good person;

But that was the point ... Rachel doesn't care for Joan; apparently Rachel sent Joan a message threatening to cut her off, for showing you pictures that included me ... Caleb has a copy of the email.

Rachel just used Joan to help her keep you from me ... strategy, that's it.

(Craig and Barb specifically bought children with blonde hair and blue eyes ... that's what Nazis do, and Craig was raised in post- World War II Germany ... and his dad, I think, was partially in charge of deciding which Nazi scientists the US kept around.

Something pivotal I think that happened was Craig getting kicked out of West Point Military Academy ... I think it brought a lot of shame to him, and became a rift between him and his father ... either way, the rest of his life was spent trying to run from that shame; and this is something that Rachel carries. Barb has her own story, with some interesting points, but you get the idea.)

And Joan ... desperate to maintain her image/idea of motherhood, jumped at the chance to be used if it meant spending time with you ... and if I had to be sacrificed in order for her to "build a relationship" with you ...

All non-white people are expendable, we are puppets for the pleasure of white people and Joan was more than happy to make the sacrifice, it was an excuse to get rid of me in fact, an excuse she was looking for ... these people told me to unalive myself ... like I said, I wasn't supposed to live long enough to talk to you ... they didn't want that; and they did everything that they could to prevent it.

And every time they say they wanted us to have a relationship ... they are lying through their teeth.

Joan was happy and content to throw her relationship with you in my face ... essentially using you to taunt and mock me.

Joan's entire existence depends on me being the offspring of a drug-addicted street rat – because "you never know what you'll get when you adopt from a developing country"; that is her white savior narrative – she saved a savage from the streets, and he's ungrateful; her whole identity is built on that idea, and that is why she refused to help me find my mother with everything except her words; because her identity depends on my mother being a drug addict, just like it now depends on me being a defective drug addict, anything to prevent me from being an equal human being ... this is the legacy of white supremacy/racism/slavery.

And that's why it was so easy for her to treat me like a defective drug-addict - that was their desire, and their intention ... I was just a breeding stud.

This woman raised me in the middle of a completely white community, purposely isolated me ... and when I tried to get out, she refused to help me ... I tried to switch schools, I tried to go to summer camps, I tried to study abroad ... I was her pet. She bought me, and she had me completely trapped, and no intention of letting me grow, if it wasn't towards white Jesus.

And buying me entitles her to you - she is the evolution of the slave master.

After 40 years of Joan's lies, and 20+ years of Rachel's ... Rachel has her own hell's to deal with ... But Joan, well ... again, I'm sorry that you were put in the middle.

But that's why I've had to walk away ... because the only way to get you out of the middle was for one of us to leave ... they had white supremacy on their side, and are more than happy to use it to get me killed, if that's what it takes.

Joan is the face of pure evil ... I'm sorry, but it's an idea you ought at least familiarize yourself with ... I wish we didn't have to, but ... safety first.