EO: Email Only (quick update)

This is the first time ... the only toxic woman in my life ... if we want to call her that ...

is Mary Jane ... and yea cannabis is my "vice" ... ... step by step.

I was super concerned this past month, really just dealing with ... what happens if I build a life for myself, and this woman finds a way back in, or around ... and starts spreading her rumor, and I have to contend with that?

I didn't want that – so I posted what I did, and I let her know ... she refused to talk to me ... which has been an odd yet reoccurring predicament in my life, woman don't like to argue with me ... I suppose it's because I won't let them be right when they are wrong ... but she needed to be right, and so ... consequences.

But that is out of my life now, and I don't ever have to worry about it again ... if people want to judge me ... fine ... but the way that I continue to live my life actually shows the facts of what happened more than anything ... and for the first time in my life, I feel ready to date ... not with confidence, neither with purpose, but with a solid sense of self, what I like, and what I won't tolerate.

One of the reasons I was so concerned, was in how it relates to my relationship with Mamo.

For me it was also a test of letting that relationship go ... which I needed to learn to do, because I don't want to attach my identity to something that does not know me fully. And this experience forced me to confront the darkest parts of my self.

The idea is to go to Santa Marta soon ... Mamo says that there is work to be done up there; I am ... I don't really have words ... there is a sense in being asked to come home in this opportunity ... for my soul that is indescribable ...

And to have made it to such a place in life; it remains difficult, to be honest, to maintain humility ... to maintain the discipline ... hopefully growing the discipline.

I've never had safety, I've never had space ... even that which I do have will forever be hanging by the thread ... I was bought by people who preferred to leave me for dead if I wasn't going to be their puppet; and we're seeing their logic/politics in real-time, playing out on the world stage.

I survived that ... being brought into the center, I kept my soul ... I made mistakes, yes! But I kept myself ... I found a way!

And my child is safe ... I made a path for my child to know herself as well ... to have confidence in her self ... to be disciplined in her effort as well as her adventure ... to have humility and awareness. To have strength and ability ... these are the things I was never supposed to have ... so I could never pass them on to my child, so that we would always be bound to the structure of whiteness, capitalism and colonialism.

Though in so many ways ... we are free.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

And honestly, I get the joy of being a good person to my child ... of being a patient and caring and silly person in my child's life ... for my birthday I asked her to show me a new skill that she learn ... because the best gift that she can give me is her growth and that she find joy in that growth ... she is the captain of her life ... that she go where she wish and do as she please ... but with respect and humility for the ability to do so ... and also with joy.

I get to be that person in my child's life ... and I could not think of a greater blessing for my life than that.

And so it is with this energy that I go forth back into my own life ... something I was never really able to live ... which is crazy to think about!!!

Adoption is supposed to erase your identity and replace it with a new one ... human as plug-n-play devices.

But I really did it; I survived, and I have a valuable skill: I'm a very good English pronunciation teacher. And the specificity means something.

That's not the only thing I'm good at, but it's something that I can grow to provide a sufficient income for myself, and that is a blessing.